Lavender picking neighbor gets told off by homeowner

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Aug 21, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

You're not supposed to take things that aren't yours—this is something that is ingrained in us from a very young age (or at least it's supposed to have been.) We were all taught that taking Little Jonny's red ball out at recess without his permission wasn't ok. Although we might still hold a grudge against Jonny for being a tattle tale (we were going to give it back), it doesn't change the fact that some valuable lessons were learned. These lessons and new-found boundaries should have stayed with us into our adult years—yet many people haven't quite gotten it right. 

The ethics and application of this rule become more difficult when you encounter things that could be yours but aren't. If you wanted to take it, it's yours… and the thing's not really that important anyway. Plus, no one can see you taking it anyways. So do you take it?

This homeowner has an elderly neighbor who frequently walks by their home, picking lavender along the way. The lavender is the homeowner's, and it grows quite close to the boundary of the pathway and the neighbor's walks. The frequent picking is enough to make a dent in the bush and just be what the homeowner found disrespectful and gear-grinding. When confronted about it, the neighbor was dismissive, offering a snide comment in the form of unsolicited advice. Frustrated, the homeowner turned to this online community to see whether or not they were in the wrong for their feelings and the confrontation. Readers offered their advice and passed judgment in the comments.

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    AITA for asking an old woman not to pick our lavender as she walks past our house? There's an old woman that walks by our house with her grandchildren. We don't have a fence between our plants and the pedestrian path. The woman picks our lavender and then encourages her grandchildren to pick. the lavender too. I had enough today and I went out and said in a calm tone of voice, 'Sorry would you mind not pulling our lavender out?'
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    She then said, 'Are you serious? It doesn't harm the plant' I replied 'that's all well and good, but well, it's just disrespectful as it's our property' She then said, 'Well I have some advice for you — if you had cut it back last year, it would have grown better, you haven't done that and it hasn't grown well at all' and then made a cheeky smirk and walked on.
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  • 04
    I was sort of flummoxed at that reply and closed the door. I have social anxiety and don't like confrontation. I wish I said more. Makes me so angry that she feels she has the right to do that. She may be right in that it doesn't harm the plant, but it's just the principle of it. And I can't get over her reply about how we aren't growing it correctly. Can hardly focus on my work, I'm just pacing about with irritation Edit: I'll add that it took a year and half of it happening a few times a week
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the ae: I told someone to stop picking a plant when picking it is inconsequential for the growth of the plant and we don't take complete care for the plant anyway.
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    WastelandMama 16 hr. ago NTA My grandma had a yard full of beautiful plants. She had my granddad specifically choose a corner lot for the extra yard space. Loads of her plants were nearly 100yrs old, passed down from her mother. Every dang year she'd get people trying to poach her lilacs or tea roses or irises. She also had a pawpaw in the side yard that she was more than happy to share the fruit of (its good for about 5
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    minutes before it starts to rot, so when it comes in, you gotta harvest the whole tree & eat it fast), but she was not happy to go out there & find it picked bare without her permission. She tried signs. She tried talking. It never worked. So finally she gave up & just started hosing people down. She'd blast them with the hose & when they'd freak out, she'd just spray them again. She said some people are just too thoughtless & to reason with, so you treat them like the pests they are. The next y
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    Glanced4 16 hr. ago • NTA - If there are a lot of flowers and they are pushing to the sidewalk... yeah, whatever. Not something I'd do, but not the end of the world either, especially with a common, easily propagating flower. But if you get caught, you get caught. You don't smirk. You don't sass. You don't huff or bluster. You just apologize, wave, and say that your flowers are so pretty. And then you wave and say "no worries" and you go about living in a civilized society. Definitely NTA.
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    momthom427 16 hr. ago I live in a city and most of the rowhouses have small front gardens that border the sidewalk. Mine is a brick flowerbed about 1.5 feet tall. It was a mess when I bought my house, but I cleaned it all out, planted hydrangeas and other things. Now a few years later, the hydrangeas are gorgeous and have grown together beautifully. People stop and take photos of them. Earlier in the summer, I found a lady on the sidewalk just clipping away my beautiful blooms. I said ma'am,
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    those are not yours, please stay out of my garden. She looked baffled. "They're right here on the sidewalk!" In an elevated bed, in front of my house, and what would be left if the hundreds of others who walk by each day all cut themselves a bouquet?
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    Emotional-Hair-1607 16 hr. ago My friend has an unique tree that is hard to grow in our zone. It has pretty flowers and every spring people come into their yard to pick them. Whenever she tells people to stop, they counter with "it's just one flower". Her response is "You're the 10th person today to pick "just one flower" so please don't". Most people get it.
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    Maximum-Swan-1009 16 hr. ago Is she picking a sprig or pulling it out? If she is picking off just a bit to enjoy the scent, I would let it pass. It won't hurt the plant or destroy it's beauty. And don't forget to cut it back. The best time to prune lavender is usually immediately after the plant stops flowering, usually in late summer to early fall. Don't prune lavender too late in the season, as plants pruned right before frost are most susceptible to cold damage.
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    ahknewb 17 hr. ago You are NTA If she is consistent with her walks, it sure would be a shame if your sprinkler happened to turn on right when she tried to steal your lavender again.
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    traveling_lime - 16 hr. ago NTA. Screw all the people saying it's no big deal. I struggle to grow anything in my climate and if I saw someone picking my lavender there would be some much stronger words. Also, in colder/dryer climates picking and trimming in fall rather than early spring can cause the plant to die over the winter by removing. protective layers, so she could very well be harming your plant. This lady's entitlement is wild. If she wants lavender to pick she can grow her own.
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    Desolate-Dreamland 16 hr. ago NTA. It is your property. She knows she was wrong and that's why she tried (and succeeded) to get under your skin with her comment. But I will add that this post made me self reflect. I think a lot of us with social anxiety who get worked up after bad interactions with others really need to learn to stand up for ourselves. I know it's hard, I'm in the same boat. But if I did that more, I'd have a lot less hours spent pacing around angrily thinking up comebacks to pe
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    PumpkinPowerful3292 16 hr. ago NTA - Your property and she was trespassing and causing damage to your lavender. You were right to address her that way. Doesn't matter if your, in her opinion if you were growing them properly it is yours to do with as you please. The entitlement that some people have is really getting out of hand and they need to be called out for it. And you did just that.
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    Sakent Old ladies love a good plant heist.
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    • One-Championship-779 16 hr. ago NTA, the correct thing for her to do would be to ask before picking it, when asked to stop the correct response would be to apologize, she did neither.
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    forbinwasright Follow her to her house and have a field day picking plants. Invite your friends. Don't forget to go to her door and ask to use the bathroom.
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    SomebodyElse236 NTA. It's your property and she shouldn't be picking your lavender. Her answer was and unnecessary when you asked her to stop.
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    Kathrynlena Get an airhorn and blast it out the window every time you see her stealing from you. I promise you won't have to do it more than twice.
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    Having-hope3594 NTA There's only a limited amount of lavender. If everyone pulled it out, there wouldn't be any left.
    via u/cmcauley770

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